To My Angel Babies...

I have been thinking about you both so much lately, but really I think about you more than others realize and just wanted you to know that my arms ache to be able to hold you tight, my heart aches to be able to see your beautiful faces and I continue to love you more than you will ever know. I know that you are both safe in the arms of my loving God and a couple of wonderful angels who are taking care of you, until I come home and finally get to wrap my arms around you and hold you both close to my heart where you have always been and belong. 

I think about what life would have been like with you as a part of our family here. I wonder what it would have felt like to see you both take your first breath, your first bath, your first smile, your first laugh, your first steps, your first birthday...so many firsts that I never got to experience...your lives here were so, so short but so meaningful to me. I think to myself, what would it have been like to be more than a family of three, would one of you have looked like me or your Daddy, what kind of personality would you have had, and most importantly would you have felt loved and valued as we have always loved and valued you as members of our family?

Losing you, was one of the most devastating experiences I have ever gone through and there have been many in my life. The pain, the sadness, the fear, the unknown and despite all of that, I would go through it all again to be able to welcome you into this world with hugs and kisses, to snuggle your face and feet, watched, rocked and sang to you as you slept, to be able to comfort you by whispering to you that everything was going to be alright but I was never given the chance to be your Mommy here. I said "goodbye" before I could say "hello."

When others ask me if Our Sugar Babie is my one and only, I hope you both understand that sometimes it is just less painful to say "yes" than to try and explain why you aren't here with us but by saying this, I hope you don't think I value your precious lives any less. And one day, when Our Sugar Babie asks me why he doesn't have a brother or a sister, I hope I can find the right words to tell him that he does, two siblings, one of you his twin, in heaven and that one day he will meet you both and hopefully have that sibling relationship that he may one day long for. I know in my heart you are both watching over your brother daily, protecting him and I hope it makes you happy to see him so full of life and joy despite the everyday of diabetes.

I will always be your Mommy and you will always be my babies who I think about and wonder what you are doing each and every day. I don't question "why" this happened as much anymore and now I just can't wait to meet you both when the time is right. I hope you haven't forgotten me, as I have never, nor will I ever forget you.

My love for you will never end as I carry you inside my heart, my babies.
Love, Mommy

May the Lord watch between you and me while we are apart from one another. Genesis 31:49